When I started dating Andrew (my husband) nearly 4 years ago (which is crazy for me to think that we have been together that long!!!), I was REALLY insecure.
I'd just ended an on/off relationship with a kid who (among many other things) told me he "didn't feel like he wanted to be a better person when he was with me"...WHAT? Yeah... that stung a little...
Already, as some of you know, my relationship with my dad had not been without it's hiccups and challenges... needless to say, I was struggling with myself as a person, and I was broken. I felt unwanted and worthless.
I really have no idea what Andrew saw in me when we started dating. I was like a Zombie... but I am grateful that he saw something... he saw the potential that I didn't realize I had, and he was gracious enough to accept the challenge of bringing that out of me... Today, I came across an old picture from one of the most heartbreaking times of my life, and I was shocked to see myself like that.
To the outsider, looking in, you might not see what I see, but I was TIRED and RAGGED. I was dark and hopeless and just surviving... I definitely was NOT thriving...!
In the Mormon culture, there is a very popular film called Johnny Lingo... It's about a young woman who is 'the ugliest maiden' in a pacific islander community. They even sing about how ugly Mahana is. Johnny Lingo is a sharp trader, and very respected in this village. One day, he comes to town for a wife, and chooses Mahana. In those cultures, the man usually trades something, usually livestock, for his new maiden, and Johnny, to everyone's astonishment, offers 'eight cows' for Mahana (even when her father, Moki, says that he would have taken one cow with sour milk for her). They are married and leave the village. When they return a few months later, Mahana is un-recognizably beautiful. When asked about what has happened for her to appear like this, Johnny replies that he had always seen beauty in Mahana; even when they were young children. He continues saying,
"Think what it must mean to a woman, her future husband meeting with her father to discuss the lowest price for which she can be bought; and later, when the women of the village gather, they boast of what their husbands paid for them - three cows, or five. How does she feel, the woman who was sold for one, or two? This could not happen to Mahana."
Now, while I was not traded for a cow, I, like Mahana dreaded the day that Andrew would ask my father if he could take me as his wife. Like I said before, I wasn't super close to my dad, and I wasn't sure how everything would turn out. Sadly, my dad gave me an ultimatum... either him, or my husband. Like Johnny had always been there for Mahana, though, Andrew had been there for me, even when my own father had doubted me. I love my dad, but I trusted Andrew more, and now I understand why...
I believe that every person has 'Divine Nature' because I believe that we are literal sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father. He is aware of us, and he made us so that we might have joy! Throughout my adolescence, I had been through trials that had covered that knowledge from me. It was masked with my own depression and despair, and what was felt on the inside began to show itself on the outside. If you look through my high school photos, you can see sadness, even when I appeared to be 'happy'.
It was through spending time with someone who recognized who I could become, and learning how to take care of myself, that I started to heal and grow. I had a man come into my life, and tell me everyday how beautiful I was. He was kind, and graceful, and persistent. He promised me some pretty amazing things, and so far, he has outdone himself with those promises! The most amazing thing that has happened through all of this, though, is that finally, when he tells me those things about myself, I actually believe him, and because of what he has taught me, I can see that in everyone I meet; even when they can't see it in themselves. For that, I am eternally grateful! I am grateful for a gracious Heavenly Father who placed such a noble man in my walk of life. I am grateful for the people that influenced him to be the man that he is today. I am grateful for a Savior who has helped me forgive those who have tested my faith, and have created stepping stones in my life that weren't the easiest to cross over. I am grateful that I could learn these lessons early in life, so I didn't carry my bitterness for years, and I am so grateful that I have the opportunity, now, to help others who may now feel as down-trodden as I once did. I am grateful for the tests in my life that are now a TESTIMONY to me that life is beautiful, but the hard/sad parts are just as important as the happy times!
"Never forget that you really are a child of God, who has inherited something of His Divine Nature!" ~Gordon B. Hinckley
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