Be The Weirdo

Have you ever felt like a 'loser'?
You know what I mean, right? Like you don't fit in, or you really suck at life, or you don't really know who you are... I used to feel that way all the time! I learned a lesson my senior year of high school, though, which I have recently been reminded of...

I wasn't very 'popular' in school... I didn't have one tight group of friends that I stuck with and because of that, I always felt that I didn't belong. It was something I constantly struggled with. I didn't eat lunch in the same place twice in a week... I floated between 'cliques' and although as an outsider, I felt that I didn't really agree with the exclusivity of my cliquey friends, I still couldn't shake this feeling that I didn't fit somewhere. It was in the most unexpected place that I learned how I could find true happiness, and that I could create it, because trying to 'fit in' was never going to work for me...

Gerardo stepped into my life, and showed me that everyone deserves a fried, and what the word friendship REALLY means.

You see, Gerardo has Downs Syndrome,but while he doesn't speak much in words, he speaks volumes in his actions. I found that when I was with him, I could be 100% myself, and I never felt that he was judging me. There was absolutely zero awkwardness there that seems to come with friendships at that stage in life. I had been comfortable with him in the classes we shared in school, but the biggest lesson I learned from him was on our senior trip.

We went down to Lagoon, in Farmington, Utah. I had been there before, but always with family, who I spent the most time with and enjoyed their company the most, anyway. I remember arriving at the park and having a really lousy morning. I just didn't feel totally welcome with the group that I started out with and had shifted through a few groups by late morning time... I was ready to go home, thinking that I really didn't have a place there... theme parks are no fun on your own.

It was about lunch time when I ran into Gerardo and, while I first questioned what people would think of me if they saw me hanging out with him, I figured that I wouldn't see most of these people very often after a few weeks anyway... so I let go of all pretenses, and decided I could really care less if people thought I was weird for choosing to spend my day with him.

Let me tell you... the moment I made that decision, I suddenly began having the best trip to Lagoon that I can remember. Gerardo is a true friend, in the sense that he's not trying to fit in or impress anyone. He is elated by small and simple things and he passes absolutely zero judgement to those around him. The most important lesson I think I learned, though, was that it starts with HIM. He knows his purpose, and while he might not be able to express himself in ways that I can, through words, I can FEEL that he knows it. His innocence is the reason that I was able to let go and have such a great time.

I walked away from that trip thinking to myself, "I hope that I can someday be in such a position that people feel around me, exactly how I feel around Gerardo."

I later chose Gerardo as my walking partner for graduation, and it broke my heart when I received ridicule from some family members because of that decision.  

So, why am I telling you this?

My first semester of college, with this experience fresh on my mind, was one of the most happy and rewarding times of my life. For once, I felt that I DID fit in, and that I was what my friends considered, "a good friend." However, life happened, and I'm sorry to admit that I forgot about the lesson I learned from Gerardo, and the goal I had set. I became hardhearted and the pretenses started forming in my life again... and guess what? I began feeling like I didn't fit in AGAIN! The depression that I had in high school began to take form in my life again, and I was miserable.

I have found ways to make the pain subside, but it was personal development, and reaching deep inside of myself that brought these memories back into light for me.

Here's where it starts: Inside.

If you're not happy with who you are. Your true self, then you'll never find true happiness or friendship. It's a weird thing, but for some reason, when you concentrate on your own faults and weaknesses, it seems that that's all you can see when you look at others as well. It's taken me a long time to figure this out. Fortunately, when you turn your focus to what you CAN do, and look for what you do well, you begin to see that in those around you. The less judgmental you are of yourself, the less you will feel the need to judge others. And let me tell you, when you can completely let go of all of those pretenses, you'll hop on the 'tilt-a-whirl' we call life and have the funnest ride you've ever had... and your really friends, they're going to be there squished up right beside you. They bursts of laughter ingrained in your memory forever!

Trust me, I know, because I've experienced it!

True health is an inward thing.