This post has been a long time coming. I can not tell you how many times I have sat down and begun to write it, just to get most of it out and hit 'delete'. I was so worried about what people would think of me and how it would come across. It really is quite embarrassing, and it goes completely against every standard and value I have in my soul. I feel that today, however, is a great day to finally put it out there. Just know that I write, not for attention, but in hopes that someone struggling with a similar problem might know that they are not alone. Also, that they there is a way to over come any type of addiction. If I can help just one person through sharing this, then I consider it worth sharing. I would love to answer any questions you may have!
Let me start at the beginning...
Some details of this story have been altered or held back to protect the identities of those involved (such as location of the place where events took place). Please don't ask me to describe the details for their sake, and thank you for understanding!
When I was between 7 and 8 years old, I was playing outside with my brother. We were having quite the adventure, and I needed something to help with our activities. I went into the tool shed of the place we were at and started rummaging around for a hammer, but I wasn't sure where to look. This place was unfamiliar to me. I noticed a large gray tool-box in the back corner of the shed and assumed that that would be the place I would find what I was looking for. Much to my surprise, when I opened the box, what I found, instead, was a collection of magazines and black, unlabeled video tapes. As I reached into the box, a memory came to my mind... I remembered a friend telling me of a magazine that her cousin had found (We were in kindergarten at the time). I listened as she told me of a very graphic scene on one of the pages of this magazine... and I just happened to pick up this very same image out of the pile that was stashed before me. I can still remember all of these moments in vivid detail, although they happened years ago. Those images have haunted me throughout my life.
I never told anyone about what I saw. I don't know why...because after hearing my friend talk about it at school, my thought was that this was a very common thing to find and that many people must find pleasure in looking at those offensive images. Even with that thought, however, I could not shake a weighted feeling I had developed after viewing what I had found.
As time went on, I returned to this place. It began with innocent curiosity that was stronger than that weighted feeling and had consumed me over what I had seen, and we frequented this area enough that it wasn't hard to come by.
Soon, though, I didn't have to depend on the gray box. As time went on, technology grew, and those images became easier to find. Before I reached my teenage years, I not only knew how to search it out, and come by it easily, but I had developed an aggressive addiction with no idea that that is what was happening to me. Still, I couldn't shake that feeling that something about what I was viewing was not right. I was ashamed, though, and did not know that I needed to seek help, let alone who to go to, or how to find it. Time passed, and the problem became more than I could handle, and change began taking place within me. I went from being a straight-A, go-getter student in elementary school, to nearly failing 6th grade. I found that I was having a harder time making friends than I had as a young child, and I could not relate to people. I began to feel very alone. You can see it on the outside as I resorted to food for comfort and gained extra weight.
Finally, within my transition from Jr high to high school, a turning point came in my life. My parents got a divorce, and while that put me through the lowest point I had been in my life, it also presented me with an opportunity...
Growing up, I had very limited access to the Gospel. My grandmother occasionally put my brother and I in her church's summer bible camp. We also went to blessings and baptisms of cousins occasionally, and every once-in-a-while, I had attended various churches with my school friends. It was never enough for my to gain an understanding of what the Gospel of Jesus Christ was about, though, merely bits of information here and there that were difficult for me to put together. What I remember most, though was the feeling that I got when I did have the opportunity to learn.
It was through the divorce of my parents, that I turned to the scriptures and some missionaries to make sense of my life. They really were all that I had left. It was here, too, that I was able to gain an understanding of the dangers of pornography, and also the reason behind so many of the struggles and trials I had growing up.
I was baptized during the spring of my Sophomore year of high school into The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-Day Saints. I began diving into the Gospel and learning about what I could do to find help with this problem I had. I told my mom about it and felt such a relief. I knew that my Heavenly Father had forgiven me for all that I had done and understood my circumstances, but still, the guilt and self-disgust that I had developed would take eight more years for me to fully forgive myself.
I write, today, elated to say that this is no longer a struggle I deal with in my life, and most of the trials that I have created for myself through the shame that I felt over the years is gone. You can not understand the excruciating pain and Godly sorrow that comes through trying to leave a bad addiction behind. There were so many people who have helped me along the way, and I know that I couldn't have done this without them.
Please let me just say a couple more things about this.
First, what trials I caused for myself by suppressing my need to reach out for help. Over the years, I developed depression and self-loathing. I thought that there had to seriously be something wrong with a woman who had a pornography addiction. More than that, though, I eventually developed a personality disorder that totally distorted the image of who I really was. I fed myself with lies about my worth regularly. Eventually, the energy that I was putting into the self-loathing began manifesting itself in physical maladies. Anger, bitterness, guilt and hatred in the form of a failing gall-bladder; Blaming, dread, fear and horror in the form of kidney problems; and humiliation, lust, shame, worthlessness and a feeling of being overwhelmed in the form of problems with my female organs, including infertility. I know that for some who read this, you might find this information new, but I honestly believe, with all my heart that our body reacts physically to the stimuli that our emotions create if we contain them within ourselves.
Next, I want to add that for anyone who feels like I am crazy for believing in God and trusting Him after all that I have dealt with, I say this; God cares about us so much that the Free Agency He granted us trumps His will for us. You might say, "If your god is so great, why does he allow such terrible things to happen to innocent children?" To that, I answer that He does everything He can to create a pathway in which people can choose the right and be rewarded for it, but He isn't going to step forth and prevent us from following our own free will and choice. If you happen to stray, however, or the choices that someone else is making are creating trials in your life, know that God understands our hearts. He sent His only begotten Son, even Jesus Christ, to save us, not only from our personal wrong-doings, but to comfort us when the choices of others have created turmoil in our lives. He will stand and defend us, and He can also help us here and now, if we choose to let Him. I have found great strength and comfort in this knowledge.
Lastly, I would just like to state that if you are struggling with anything. Please seek help. I went through years of hell, and dealt multiple thoughts of suicide because I thought I was so alone. Eight years of my life have been spent trying to sort through the mess I made of my life. Your life doesn't have to be that way, and addiction bounds you from true happiness and freedom. I will be so bold as to say that because of my choices, that free will which is so important to my Heavenly Father that I have, was stripped from me. I bound myself by the choices that I made, and although I haven't had a problem with pornography for a few years now, I am only just setting myself free. Please, don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of addiction. There are people and resources available that were created to help you overcome those tumultuous things!
To parents, there was an new Family Home Evening curriculum recently released to help you talk to your kids about the dangers of Pornography and how to overcome them. I encourage you to take the opportunity to grow closer to your children through that program. I wish that I would have spoken to my parents years before I did!
Here is a link to that lesson.
Finally, I hope that anyone reading this understands that you have so much worth and potential. You are a son or daughter of a Divine God and He loves you. Don't get caught up in your sorrows, and seek to be a light to this dark world. When you take your focus off of yourself, you will find peace and happiness, no matter how dark and trying your times may be. Keep pushing, and climb the mountains that are set before you, always remembering that the best view always comes after the hardest climb! I am a testament to that, and I am so grateful that I have that knowledge to comfort me in this life.
Dueteronomy 23:5 "...the Lord thy God turned the curse into a blessing unto thee, because the Lord thy God loved thee."
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